Dear Roommate Gods,

Please fuck over my roommate.
If you could make it slow and painful, I’d appreciate it.

Seriously!  It’s so great that he managed to remind me right before I’m supposed to move WHY HE IS SO TERRIBLE THAT I’D RATHER MOVE HOME TO MY PARENTS.  He pissed me off YESTERDAY and I’m STILL fuming about it!  I don’t think there is any way to short story it, but basically he constantly surprises me with how selfish and what a DICK he can be!!  Why am I surprised after knowing him almost four years??

I know everyone has their own (probably worse) roommate stories from hell and I’d love for you to make me feel better.  Right now I’m plotting all the various ways I can screw him before I leave on the 5th.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Taking some, if not all of his beloved chicken in the freezer.  He’s had no problem helping himself to all my stuff in the last nine months.
  
• Dump the dog’s bitter spray into whatever I choose in the refrigerator, marinating chicken or his juice etc.
  
• Leave the all the lights and heat on all evening when I’m home to rack up his utilities bills.  He’s managed to blame various bills on me and yet I’ve never seen them or seen him follow his own rules he’s given to me.
  
• Put the dog’s poop under his bed.  I mean I’m such a terrible dog owner (according to him)… I had no idea.  Oops!

Just so we’re clear I probably won’t follow through with any of it…  Other than maybe racking up the heating and lighting.  What do you think?